Hello, New Decade!

Where do your focus areas reside for 2020?

The Twenties are here again, and my hopes are that they will be remembered as “roarin’ly” as they were in the 1900s. If not economically, in my interpersonal relationship with my Self and others! I am so grateful to be born at the time of year I was. As much as having a ChristBirthday can come with it’s own set of challenges, turning 30 for the 20’s feels like a giant clean slate for me and I can’t help but be excited about it.

I was recently running using the Peloton App (highly recommend trying if your treadmill motivation is lagging!) and the coach reiterated a quote I had been thinking about lately: Progress is hard to measure in a day or a week, but SO much can happen in a year if you keep working and it comes up quick! It’s very true. I started the year this year running a 5k Race on my Zwift App (another fun way to enjoy your tread!). This time last year, I was just getting back into jogging after a long hiatus, and it was a struggle. Throughout the year, I fought with myself to keep up my running and good habits, the progress never being linear or even positively sloped, but looking back in review, I am leaps and bounds from where I was 365 days ago, and it makes me excited for the next 365. This is something I want to keep at the forefront of my mind as the year progresses.

Buddhist wisdom claims we are always exactly where we are meant to be. When my relationship with myself is good, when I feel aligned, this message is comforting. When I struggle to face myself in the mirror and am filled with fears and anxieties about the future of where my life path is going, this message is maddening! What do you mean I’m meant to be sitting in a depressive episode, manically eating my fourth serving of nuts and bolts while my hair sits unwashed and my legs unshaven!? Just as moments of joy can lead you, so can moments of pain, the lessons always invaluable.

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
~ Steve Jobs

The depressive episodes, the pain, the “falling off track”, it only teaches me more about the importance of staying aligned, the value of building a relationship with “my gut”, the consequences of denying it. Some people are born with a strong relationship to there gut and do not waiver. I was absolutely not one of those people, to the extent of denying mine into a deep depression for a long time and spending the last decade trying to dig it out. Trusting yourself is scary when your history hasn’t produced desired results, when you don’t have a support system of people who trust themselves, when you feel like you’re wishing on a cloud. I know for sure that we all have that inner voice , and the ability to build the relationship with it, the pain is just an inevitable part of the process of repair and there is joy to be found in the muck.

2020 Focus?

This years focus will be on creating more:

  1. Fun for myself in my every day life, as well as planning fun activities to get me out of my head and into my heart. Activities that makes me laugh out loud and just enjoy myself right where I am! I can be a serious person, always contemplating life and all of its components. This is not an area I see as an issue, but at this point it is very well developed and easy to switch “on”. The fun, not so much. Don’t get me wrong. I know I am fun, I am silly and witty and enjoy playing. I just never prioritize it and I feel it is keeping me off balance. So this year.. more fun!
  2. Feminine Energy. I grew up seriously denying myself the right to be feminine. I considered myself to be very unattractive and had incredibly low self-esteem attached to my appearance, so instead I found value in being helpful, and being funny. Again, I love those parts of me, but they don’t need attention. Funny comes easy to me now in life. Femininity, not so much. I notice that when I am around extremely Alpha like men my feminine nature can come out and IT FEELS GOOD, but otherwise it stays very hidden and the helpful part of me comes to play instead (which also activates the control part of me). I can control and direct almost any conversation and although it works for me when I want to appear confident and have the “upper hand” it isn’t helping me to feel more authentic. I am feminine, but somewhere in me is a belief that in the presence of other women that that energy is better left for them. So this year I will be consciously putting myself in more situations to activate that energy. Whether it be going out dancing, simply spending more time accessorizing, practising leaving the control of a conversation in another’s hands, accepting help when it is offered instead of resisting, being more selfish about caring for my body, embracing my nurturing nature, or simply spending more time in the presence of feminine energy I am going to work to reignite this energy in me to a place I feel more balanced.

Cheers to the new year, the new decade! May each day, week, year get you more and more aligned with your Self as this is the relationship you can for sure count on to still be here in 2030. I know I’d love to look back and connect the dots through this decade as moving me closer to building the relationship I desire. How about you?

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